GodS Must Be CrazY

The nerd God expressing himself after E.V.O.L.U.T.I.O.N

As the greatest of all Mr Russell Peters say ..... I was enjoying my thinking-absolutely-nothing time.... All of a sudden got a bang.... I mean a Hit ... By a thought.... which resulted me to do a rarest and most excruciating task of all..... "Think" ...

I thought.... Gods might be students of some High tech, NASA type biology center (I know I know ..... NASA is NOT a biology centre ..... but NASA always adds up spices in an Ultra fiction story ....... ) when they created guys and girls.... Just drive your imagination beyond speed limits and do the task which you and I do the rarest .... 

A highly qualified young Goddess might be in her attempt to invent some incomparable thing.... To prove her pehla-nasha-pehla-khumaar for the lab instructor...... 

She might have mixed some dark, smelly, highly-active-in-dark chemicals and got the result as a stable, yet highly active at times, product tending to come out of the flask and flowing in a particular direction no matter where the flask was carried to (the strong point of the story).... The Goddess, highly impressed by her own self, named that formula as 

Mindlessly Eloping Nomads ...... given an Acronym as M.E.N. ..... Considering the fact that the product was Eloping to a particular direction.

The Goddess decided to create biological species out of this Formula .... which would prove to be the most powerful species of all time .... with no weakness ....and would be presenting the same in the Greatest competition of the universe ...... Extraordinarily Versatile Objective of Locating the Ultraprecise Trainee In Organic Nature ..... Popular by the Acronym E.V.O.L.U.T.I.O.N. conducted on Earth.... 

After months of hard work, finally the prototype was alive.... Exhibiting the characteristics of the core chemicals used to create the very formula..... The prototype was Dark, was smelly and would always be highly active and violent in Darkness as if searching for something. The Goddess named the prototype as Anatomical Design of Activated M.E.N. ....... A.D.A.M. 

She was so very sure to win the competition and she would be expressing her selfless love to the lab instructor.... She could even hear the Mohabbatein music at the back ground and the leaves flying randomly in strong wind currents ..... Winds which were ruthlessly blowing the leaves but were not able to move even a single strand of hair of the Goddess..... 

Lab instructor could be imagined with a violin and a sweater..... In scorching heat.... The sweater was I guess bolted on to his shoulders.... As it was, as it is on that place even though the Lab instructor was dancing madly to impress the young Goddess...... 

But as we say in India.... Har Din Diwali Nahi Hoti ..... Which means.... to Hell with the exact meaning.... The "lollypop" of the phrase is that you would be screwed in very near future ...... and for the young Goddess that near future was about to arrive..... 

FLASH BACK..... CUT TO THE SCENE WHERE M.E.N was invented..... 

Product tending to come out of the flask and flowing in a particular direction ...... following the camera to the direction where the formula M.E.N. was desperate to go..... 

What stood there was a nerd GOD..... Not talking to much people around ... and highly annoyed by this young Goddess who was gaining popularity on her so called awesome, but hopeless and pathetic formula M.E.N. .... what does she think of herself.... just wait and watch when my formula is ready to rock and roll..... 

The nerd GOD..... Unlike the young Goddess..... Searched the rarest chemicals from the lab and decided to craft the most bizarre mixture of all.....  He mixed chemicals which projected characteristics ranging from as strong as intelligence, self-dependent, bright to as shallow as stupidity, carelessness, ignorance, intolerance.

Characteristics of one chemical were in total contradiction with the other. If we go by the book, the formula created by such mixture would not survive and would explode, destroying all the things in close proximity. But the nerd God was a dude who created His ways in complete opposite directions than what was guided. And as all the popularity and attention was already gifted to the Goddess, He had nothing to lose.

So, the God, after folding His hands and praying to..... Wait a minute who would Gods pray to.... I mean Gods would have also been landed up in deep shit sometime..... Well come on.....  Gods created this whole thing ...... at some point They might have goofed up.... To whom Gods would be praying in such situation...... Like we humans do when we are caught doing some disgusting things (Now it’s the readers' responsibility to imagine the "disgusting thing" as per their level of disgust)

Anyways, the nerd God remembered His near and dear ones and mixed the chemicals....

K-BOOM!!!!! ....... Nothing happened ...... the chemicals miraculously complimented each other and surprisingly created a stable formula.....

Seeing such a drastic unexpected behavior of the formula and the desire to annihilate the formula M.E.N. ... the nerd named His formula......

Wreckful Operator for M.E.N. Elimination Norm.... W.O.M.E.N.

This Nerd God, Believe me, might be a hell of an intelligent guy..... He prepared the prototype in few hours itself...... The formula itself had the ability of self-creation seeing the things around..... Within hours the Prototype named Extreme Vicious Effigy ... E.V.E. came to life .....

The nerd God was too happy initially seeing the extremely fast growth of the prototype and in the intoxication of His achievement He too registered Himself in E.V.O.L.U.T.I.O.N. ..... But as He monitored the activities of the prototype closely...... He found that He is in the middle of pot full of slimy, yellowish ...... problem..... 

E.V.E. would not complete any assigned task. It would just stop doing the assigned task and would just start exhibiting strange characteristics, characteristics which were never studied by even the greatest Gods in the field of biology..... And in one situation, with given external conditions, on a particular self-state, the prototype behaved differently each time, not matching by a single percentage with the previous behavior.

As we say in Hindi, Nerd ka Dil Halak Ko Aa Gaya, again to Hell with the original meaning.... the "lollypop" is that the Nerd got screwed......

On the other side ....... all the Test Case Scenarios (I would dedicate this word to my colleagues of Testing Team working with me in the IT firm) performed on A.D.A.M. were giving 100% accurate results  ..... It was an ASS.... I mean an Accurate, Stable and Strong prototype.

The D Day .......

All the Old Long bearded Gods with their beautiful and half aged Goddess (why does these mythological daily soaps show all the Gods having so beautiful partner .... It leaves a mammoth negative impact on guys like us who are not able to get a girl even after 24 years of investment here on the holy earth) and their annoying little baby Gods gathered to a place, crowned with the honorary status of the Holiest place on earth, LAS VEGAS .........

A series of rigorous tasks were designed which all the prototypes have to complete..... Being isolated from other prototypes to avoid any unethical deed.....

A.D.A.M. as expected was performing all the tasks with 100% accuracy ..... He was also signed by the Gods as the First James Bond .....  and on the other hand E.V.E. always started the tasks with a positive note but as its characteristics, use to leave the task and exhibit alien behavior .....

A.D.A.M. made his way into the final as smoothly as a fart from the Ass.... leaving the smell towards E.V.E...... E.V.E. unexpectedly made it into finals ...... as hard as re-directing the fart to its place of origin..... But this task was made a bit simpler by the wide holed pathetic fellow competitors who performed even worse than E.V.E. .......

So it was A.D.A.M. versus E.V.E. in the final..... Almost half of the stands were empty.... pre judging the results..... and hoping to spend their evening at some Divine casino to conquer the quest to achieve the ultimate truth ... MONEY BABY MONEY :D  

The nerd googled "how to commit suicide" and had prepared a list already.... While the young Goddess was busy planning her wedding day with the lab instructor.....

(But a total Unforeseen fate of Earth and Mankind was to be written using this predictable and lifeless final game as the very foundation)

The final was a complex game.... and that too one on one.... The finalists would be given a topic and they need to do a Developmental and Expressive Beliefs on At-hand Topic Endowed.... 

D.E.B.A.T.E. ...... the finalist who scores 10 points out of the 2 wins..... 

Bingo for the young Goddess .... This game was the favorite pass time of Her prototype A.D.A.M. ..... It was a piece of cake now.... Now the only tough task for A.D.A.M. was to decide a dashing signature to sign the James Bond movie contract ..... Screws for the poor nerd God.... This game was new to him as well ....... can't expect nothing from E.V.E. .... By this time He had decided the Top 5 ways to commit suicide...... 

He was just praying.... don't know to whom ... again.... that this time E.V.E. exhibits a unexpected but favorable character ..... 

The D.E.B.A.T.E. started ...... one statement from A.D.A.M. ... nothing from E.V.E. .... scores 1/0.... Second statement from A.D.A.M. ..... Total absurd and mindless statement from E.V.E. .... scores 2/0 ..... Within 10 minutes A.D.A.M. 9 and E.V.E. 0..... The nerd was all set ... standing on a stool with rope around His neck..... All of a sudden E.V.E. started showing a character which was never thought of ...... 

She started CRYING..... And said some pathetic thing.... Now this NEGATIVE TEST CASE SCENARIO (again thanks to my colleagues in Testing team for this word) A.D.A.M.  was not trained by the Goddess..... A.D.A.M. said "I agree with E.V.E." .... score 9/1 ... again a hopeless statement by the sobbing E.V.E. .... A.D.A.M. ... "I agree" ... score 9/2......

History was written in the next 5 minutes ... Scores .... A.D.A.M. 9 ... E.V.E. 10 ..... E.V.E. WON ..... 

The nerd God WON ..... All of a sudden He was the Star .... The Hunk …. hotter for girls than Angelina Jolie is for boys ....

He decided to stay here on the holy land of LAS VEGAS and decided to develop a large scale laboratory near by and would exponentially increase his work on W.O.M.E.N. .... Now you know the History and mythology behind HOLLYWOOD...... 

The nerd ordered E.V.E. to go with his new lover A.D.A.M. to the far end of earth and establish a same kind of lab to mark His world supremacy..... Secretly the lab instructor followed EVE as mann hi mann wo E.V.E. se pyaar karne laga tha ... sorry for my Hindi-speaking-self coming out.... I mean the lab instructor was secretly in love with E.V.E. .... Now you know the History and mythology behind BOLLYWOOD and the oldest love triangle theory..... 

The young Goddess.... well she went into the darker side of life and re-engineered Her Product to design prototype to destroy the every earth.... and NOW you know the history and mythology behind the creation of guys like Osama Bin Laden ..... 

Palace on Three Wheels


Writing something which has moved my professional life .... Literally .... The Rickshaw and TUMTUM of pune ...

Dont be deceived by the title .... Still I hate these 2 modes of transportation as much as my roommates hate cleanliness. And after the comments I got from the heartless people of the tumtum on my perfectly toned physique, I am annoyed like anything. The title is just too good to project the irony.

While reading my grief below, you might think that I am passionately in love with Shit or I am a decade old sufferer of constipation coz of my extensive use of the word .... But this is the only word I find clean enough to express my frustration. I have some quite good words to express the same feeling, but thought to use the word which defines the thing I flush away every morning rather than the word which defines something which I would enjoy in near future ;)

So, this weekend I was all set to go to Aundh (an area with good female species of humans in Pune) from Vishal Nagar(an area with huge amount of eyes aiming towards Aundh). And this time I was totally determined to catch a tumtum and not opting of a Shittiest thing on earth .... the rickshaw... even if I had to stay under the abandoned rickshaw stand for eternity.

Whenever I see a rickshaw with a driver in it ... wearing his shitty Prem Chopra smile .... I just remember that scene from a Sidney Sheldon novel where the main character castrates the shitty villain. O I have the same feeling when that dark-faced, yellow-teethed, shit-smelling, ruler-scale-like-moustache driver asks three times of the already sky high fare saying that "bhaiya, station se empty aana padta hai"

You F@#@$@# SHITTY A@#$@#$ SHITTY hole .... you dont get passengers from a F#@##@ SHITTING railway station .... Then you are in the wrong job you Shit faced MORON .... Go and join some terrorist organization ... your Dawood Ibrahim like face and ransom like fare you charge would be justified ....  

Well getting back to the last weekend mishap .... I was quite happy and proud of myself to get a tumtum ( though after an hour's wait ) ... tumtum is a cheaper way to get frustrated while travelling in pune .... as I struggled my way into the tumtum which is ideally a 6 seater, carrying 11 people at a time ... I saw 2 cute females sitting on the front seat .... All of a sudden all my post-female-notice steps triggered .... which included rolling up the shirt sleeves to expose my biceps and the tattoo (which resemble a hair covered BHINDI now), re structuring of the over sized tummy to 6-pack abs, sitting in a position so that all my extra pounds here and there don't get the limelight.

The stud inside me took 10 minutes and 3 kilometers to come out ........ and I said "HI" in a cowboy style which sounded like "Hi you beautiful girls, wanna join me on a ride of your life time" ..... The angels giggled (actually laughed at me) and said "Hi" ..... As i was about to impress them with my incomparable style ... the tumtum driver applied brakes with all his might making me roll down the seat .... resulting into an high pitch "ROTLF", only the "L" was from others ....

Guys like me are a master of handling such embarrassing situations from childhood, so i struggled my way back to the seat and pretended as if I lost something and was searching for the same (I know this trick does no good but proves to be satisfactory for your own self) ..... As I saw the reason for the sudden stop, my eyes popped out of their respective places .... 2 massive figures approaching our shuttle as if planning to tear it apart ... for a moment a slideshow of all the scenes with the Bollywood actor TUN TUN started before my eyes ..... shutting my wide open mouth, I remembered the teaching I got in school "never look at FAT people with our mouth open" .... as one of the massive structure was about to sit beside me, she changed her plan and sat near the 2 delicate girls saying something in the regional language .... Well don't know what she said but that left the driver and 2 passengers laughing and me and the 2 girls confused .....

Me and my big big mouth .... I asked that baby elephant what did she just say with a gentleman smile so that I can make her comfortable and forget the embarrassment she might be suffering from due to her figure .... Well  at that moment I realized why India is said to be the land of the confident .... the driver translated what that lady said .... she said "Better I sit here as there is no space left on the other seat" ..... Dude .... I was the only person sitting on that seat which was designed for 3 people .... That sumo called ME FAT ..... WHAT THE HELL ....

LOOK at yourself lady .... it seems that the concept of speed breakers on smooth roads got inspiration from the bulges you have at each and every part of your body .... look at your partner ... it seems that you two sat for dinner one night and forgot to stop .... and you calling me FAT ..... SHIT on your FACE MA'AM ......

The worst thing ... my 2 dream girls also heard the translation by the SHITTY driver clearly and were laughing so hard that their eyes went wet .....

After 10 minutes of the MOST-EMBARRASSED time of my life ..... I got out at my stop .... again struggling to push myself out of the Shit-smelling-shit-looking tumtum .... as I saw the 2 cute faces for the last time, the laughs where gone and there was a cute smile .... I thought "Bhai abhi bhi kuch nahi bigda hai, you are still a dude in those pretty eyes" ..... I waved at them, and believe me folks, it was the most passionate wave of the life time .....

I was living that moment to the fullest ... thought to chase that tumtum, like Kajol chasing the train in DDLJ, and talk to them .... but the same time a bike stopped and a demon screamed .... " Aye MOTE side hatt !!!!!"