Palace on Three Wheels


Writing something which has moved my professional life .... Literally .... The Rickshaw and TUMTUM of pune ...

Dont be deceived by the title .... Still I hate these 2 modes of transportation as much as my roommates hate cleanliness. And after the comments I got from the heartless people of the tumtum on my perfectly toned physique, I am annoyed like anything. The title is just too good to project the irony.

While reading my grief below, you might think that I am passionately in love with Shit or I am a decade old sufferer of constipation coz of my extensive use of the word .... But this is the only word I find clean enough to express my frustration. I have some quite good words to express the same feeling, but thought to use the word which defines the thing I flush away every morning rather than the word which defines something which I would enjoy in near future ;)

So, this weekend I was all set to go to Aundh (an area with good female species of humans in Pune) from Vishal Nagar(an area with huge amount of eyes aiming towards Aundh). And this time I was totally determined to catch a tumtum and not opting of a Shittiest thing on earth .... the rickshaw... even if I had to stay under the abandoned rickshaw stand for eternity.

Whenever I see a rickshaw with a driver in it ... wearing his shitty Prem Chopra smile .... I just remember that scene from a Sidney Sheldon novel where the main character castrates the shitty villain. O I have the same feeling when that dark-faced, yellow-teethed, shit-smelling, ruler-scale-like-moustache driver asks three times of the already sky high fare saying that "bhaiya, station se empty aana padta hai"

You F@#@$@# SHITTY A@#$@#$ SHITTY hole .... you dont get passengers from a F#@##@ SHITTING railway station .... Then you are in the wrong job you Shit faced MORON .... Go and join some terrorist organization ... your Dawood Ibrahim like face and ransom like fare you charge would be justified ....  

Well getting back to the last weekend mishap .... I was quite happy and proud of myself to get a tumtum ( though after an hour's wait ) ... tumtum is a cheaper way to get frustrated while travelling in pune .... as I struggled my way into the tumtum which is ideally a 6 seater, carrying 11 people at a time ... I saw 2 cute females sitting on the front seat .... All of a sudden all my post-female-notice steps triggered .... which included rolling up the shirt sleeves to expose my biceps and the tattoo (which resemble a hair covered BHINDI now), re structuring of the over sized tummy to 6-pack abs, sitting in a position so that all my extra pounds here and there don't get the limelight.

The stud inside me took 10 minutes and 3 kilometers to come out ........ and I said "HI" in a cowboy style which sounded like "Hi you beautiful girls, wanna join me on a ride of your life time" ..... The angels giggled (actually laughed at me) and said "Hi" ..... As i was about to impress them with my incomparable style ... the tumtum driver applied brakes with all his might making me roll down the seat .... resulting into an high pitch "ROTLF", only the "L" was from others ....

Guys like me are a master of handling such embarrassing situations from childhood, so i struggled my way back to the seat and pretended as if I lost something and was searching for the same (I know this trick does no good but proves to be satisfactory for your own self) ..... As I saw the reason for the sudden stop, my eyes popped out of their respective places .... 2 massive figures approaching our shuttle as if planning to tear it apart ... for a moment a slideshow of all the scenes with the Bollywood actor TUN TUN started before my eyes ..... shutting my wide open mouth, I remembered the teaching I got in school "never look at FAT people with our mouth open" .... as one of the massive structure was about to sit beside me, she changed her plan and sat near the 2 delicate girls saying something in the regional language .... Well don't know what she said but that left the driver and 2 passengers laughing and me and the 2 girls confused .....

Me and my big big mouth .... I asked that baby elephant what did she just say with a gentleman smile so that I can make her comfortable and forget the embarrassment she might be suffering from due to her figure .... Well  at that moment I realized why India is said to be the land of the confident .... the driver translated what that lady said .... she said "Better I sit here as there is no space left on the other seat" ..... Dude .... I was the only person sitting on that seat which was designed for 3 people .... That sumo called ME FAT ..... WHAT THE HELL ....

LOOK at yourself lady .... it seems that the concept of speed breakers on smooth roads got inspiration from the bulges you have at each and every part of your body .... look at your partner ... it seems that you two sat for dinner one night and forgot to stop .... and you calling me FAT ..... SHIT on your FACE MA'AM ......

The worst thing ... my 2 dream girls also heard the translation by the SHITTY driver clearly and were laughing so hard that their eyes went wet .....

After 10 minutes of the MOST-EMBARRASSED time of my life ..... I got out at my stop .... again struggling to push myself out of the Shit-smelling-shit-looking tumtum .... as I saw the 2 cute faces for the last time, the laughs where gone and there was a cute smile .... I thought "Bhai abhi bhi kuch nahi bigda hai, you are still a dude in those pretty eyes" ..... I waved at them, and believe me folks, it was the most passionate wave of the life time .....

I was living that moment to the fullest ... thought to chase that tumtum, like Kajol chasing the train in DDLJ, and talk to them .... but the same time a bike stopped and a demon screamed .... " Aye MOTE side hatt !!!!!"